1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,600
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,000
Dingy castles, daring knights

3
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800
Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

4
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,200
Punishment from ancient times

5
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,040
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

6
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,040
Mean and Measly Middle Ages

7
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,160
Have you ever dreamt of being
a prince or princess,

8
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,280
living in a fancy castle, wearing
cool crowns,

9
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,560
and drinking only the finest bin
juices?

10
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,840
SLURPING
Hmm, nice!

11
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,600
Of course, that only happens by
magic in fairy stories.

12
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,480
Normally, a lot of work goes into
being a royal.

13
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,480
Guys, what an incredible show we've
got for you today!

14
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,840
I'm famous French hairdresser Sieur
Larsenneur.

15
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,280
And I'm portrait artist, Joseph
Ducreux,

16
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,880
and we are here to collect an
Austrian princess.

17
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:13,920
Say hi to the viewers.  H-Hello.

18
00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,080
This princess knows she's heading to
France to marry Prince Louis,

19
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,080
who is going to be king one day.

20
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,240
What she DOESN'T know is how much
the French public

21
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,360
will hate her if she looks Austrian.

22
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:25,760
What?!

23
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,360
They literally won't let her into the
country looking like this.

24
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,000
They'll rip her to shreds!

25
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,280
Which, quite frankly, would be
an improvement.

26
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,360
So we're here to make this Austrian
wench look really French.

27
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,120
Now, I'm thinking we'll call you
"Marie Antoinette."

28
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,640
But that is not my name.

29
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,200
My name is Maria Antonia.

30
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,760
Not any more! We're changing it to
Marie Antoinette.

31
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,080
It sounds more French.

32
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,680
Future Queen of France, let's
dance!

33
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,720
What is going on with this hair?

34
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,280
You've got it scraped back so far,
it's pulling out the roots in clumps.

35
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,760
But it's very fashionable in
Austria.

36
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,200
Huh! That explains everything...

37
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,200
At the moment, honey, this forehead
gives me a sore head.

38
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,000
Oh, MG, you are SO right!

39
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,040
That's why, when I was sent to
Austria to paint you,

40
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:28,120
I painted what I WANTED to see,
not what I DID see.

41
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:32,240
She is so fresh, so fly, so French.

42
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,720
It doesn't look anything like me.

43
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,360
Exactly!

44
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,160
So good.  Thank you.

45
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,080
Wow. It's magnificent.  I know.

46
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:49,280
Now, sweetie, we want this makeover
to get you smiling again,

47
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:53,080
but only after we've fixed your
disgusting Austrian fangs.

48
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:57,120
Look at those jagged little teeth
pointing out all over the place.

49
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,520
It's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"

50
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:04,040
So we're going to give you a very
beautiful and very straight smile

51
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,240
and all it will take is some
light dentistry

52
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,840
using these state of the art metal
tools.

53
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,240
Ah! Won't that hurt?  You won't feel
a thing...

54
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,440
Oh.

55
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,960
..because you'll feel everything!
We don't have pain relief.

56
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,840
Open wide! Let's make your dentures
all Frenchers.

57
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,160
SHE WHIMPERS

58
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,520
MIMICKING

59
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:30,720
When we met Maria Antonia she was a
real "No, no, no-nia."

60
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,240
But Marie Antoinette is tres chic.
She's glamorous.

61
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,480
She can barely move her mouth
after agonising dental surgery,

62
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,640
but she is fit for France.

63
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,040
Ah oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!

64
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,200
CHEERING

65
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,560
So, what do you think of your
transformation? Are you happy?

66
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,760
MUFFLED WHIMPERING

67
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,560
Oh, she's speechless.

68
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:55,320
And now, you're finally ready to
enter France and marry a prince.

69
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,320
Yas, queen!

70
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,600
This is the happi... Argh! Happiest
day of my life. Oh!

71
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,960
Let's dance!

72
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,280
Woo!

73
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,560
Yeah, we probably should have
worked on her dancing, too.

74
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,480
Definitely.

75
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,080
Please, just stop. You're
embarrassing everyone.

76
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,200
Some can spend their whole lives

77
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,520
searching for true love and never
find it.

78
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,600
But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to
the throne of England,

79
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,840
his true love was arranged by his
father's lawyers

80
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,520
as part of a peace treaty when he was
two years old.

81
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,000
And they say romance is dead!

82
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,920
But while Arthur has known the
name of his true love

83
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,800
since he was a toddler,

84
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,760
this will be their VERY first
date.

85
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:40,840
Enjoy.

86
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,400
I really hope we get on.

87
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,520
We're  getting married at the end of
next week.

88
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,920
Prince Arthur's first date
and soon to be wife

89
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,440
is Spanish Princess Catherine of
Aragon.

90
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,400
So great to finally meet you.

91
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,080
I'm Prince Arthur. My father is
King Henry VII...

92
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,720
..er, which means I will be

93
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,040
the first official King Arthur of
Britain, eventually.

94
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,840
Hi.

95
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,800
So it turns out she can't speak any
English at all,

96
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:24,440
which is, you know, a shame, cos
English is my best language.

97
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,720
Gracias, chorizo, Barcelona.

98
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,360
Nachos. Si?

99
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,440
You like food? "Food"?

100
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,000
"Oh, yum-yum-yum-yum-yum-yum!"
Chicken?

101
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,760
MAKES CHICKEN NOISES

102
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,720
Creo que es un idiota.

103
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,120
Si,  el es un idiota.

104
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,320
I think idiot means something
completely different in Spanish!

105
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,040
Actually, it's the same thing.
Right.

106
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,560
This is an absolute disaster.

107
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,880
I mean, I probably should have seen
this coming, right?

108
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,560
Cos we just used to write to each
other in Latin, so...

109
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:57,920
..wait.

110
00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,360
Game on!

111
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,280
Te amo.  Te amo.

112
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,800
The international language of
love, Latin.

113
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,600
What can I get you?

114
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,960
SPEAKS LATIN

115
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,280
I... I'm so sorry, I do not speak
Latin.

116
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:12,880
Idiota!

117
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,320
Do you think you'll see each other
again?

118
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,920
Er, yeah. I mean, we're getting
married in ten days,

119
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,800
Heads! Sorry, bro. Great touch,
though

120
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,520
That's just my little brother,
Prince Henry.

121
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,400
Ah. Henry, er... Ocho.

122
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,560
Henry VIII?!

123
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:28,800
HE CACKLES

124
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,840
No! Fat chance of that.

125
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,880
He can only be called that if
he became king,

126
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,480
and that's not going to happen
unless I die, so... No.

127
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,000
Once we get married, you'll never
have to worry about him ever again.

128
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,920
Bull's-eye!  Right, come here!

129
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,440
Gives me all the feels, actually.

130
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,440
Bonjour. I am Mary Queen of Scots
and, as you can imagine,

131
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,280
being Queen of Scotland made me
quite a catch

132
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,680
in the 16th-century dating world.

133
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,640
I'm  also well fit!

134
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,520
Ssss... Ouch. Ha-ha!

135
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,480
My hand in marriage was so sought
after

136
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,840
that I was engaged to be married
when I was just six months old.

137
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,120
Henry VIII wanted me to marry his
son, Prince Edward.

138
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,920
But, tell me, what did he send to
help seal the marriage?

139
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,640
I  like presents. Who
doesn't?

140
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:29,840
Did he send...

141
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,400
Aw!

142
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:35,920
Ooh!

143
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,360
Oh.

144
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,720
The  answer is...

145
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,680
..C! He sent an army.

146
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,680
He started a war to
make sure I married his son.

147
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,720
It's called the Rough Wooing, and it
lasted for eight years,

148
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,360
so I married the King of France
instead.

149
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,480
Do one, Edward!

150
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,800
You see?

151
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,080
You probably think that princes and
princesses have an easy life,

152
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,640
but that's not always been the case,

153
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,000
Mm, mm, mm.

154
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,320
Back in history, they were often
married off to other royals

155
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,480
just to make their own family
more powerful.

156
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:09,960
And if THAT sounds bad,

157
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,000
wait until you see what giving birth
could be like!

158
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,560
It's poor old Marie Antoinette
again. Hmm...

159
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:19,960
Oh, where is my husband?

160
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,040
Er, I cannot see the King, Your
Majesty,

161
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,360
unless he is at the back?

162
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,640
SHE GROANS

163
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,960
Why are they watching? I'm
trying to give birth here.

164
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,760
Right this way. Room at the front,
Your Majesty.

165
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,120
I love a royal birth!

166
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,080
Don't get me wrong, an execution is
fun but it is over so quickly.

167
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,040
Darling, do we really have to have
all of these people here watching?

168
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,520
My love, we are here to celebrate
the birth of a prince...

169
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:44,640
..or princess.

170
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,840
WHIMPERING
We  need an audience!

171
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,240
We need witnesses to prove the Queen
ACTUALLY gave birth

172
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,480
and they didn't use somebody
else's baby.

173
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,600
Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them
swapping it out for a boy,

174
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,640
so the King then has an heir.

175
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,520
Bonjour!
DOOR KNOCKS

176
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,760
Oh, the doctor has arrived!  It is a
bit quiet in here.

177
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,360
I thought you were having a royal
birth. More people!  What?!

178
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,560
I was only here to sweep the
chimney.

179
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,120
Urgh! Get your grubby stick away from
me!

180
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,160
Ignore them, my darling. Just
imagine they are not there.

181
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,680
What if I didn't have to imagine
and they actually weren't there?

182
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,920
THEY GASP
She doesn't mean it.

183
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,480
I do.  It is coming.

184
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,280
THEY CHEER

185
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,600
How do you feel?  A little bit woozy,
actually.

186
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,000
He was talking to... Ah!

187
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,160
Can somebody open the window,
please?

188
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,800
The Princess de Lamballe

189
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,400
clearly needs some air!

190
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,800
OK. Everyone ready?

191
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,120
Oui.

192
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,520
Where are the...
THEY EXCLAIM

193
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,560
Don't panic. I will stick a spike
into her foot

194
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,400
to release the blood pressure in her
body.

195
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,520
Will that work?  It will certainly
wake her up.

196
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,680
SHE CRIES

197
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,760
She's back!
THEY CHEER

198
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,480
Come on, Your Majesty, push!

199
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,720
SHE GROANS
Push!

200
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,840
GROANING CONTINUES
Push! Push! Push...

201
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,120
BABY CRIES
Push.

202
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,680
It's a girl.

203
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,200
Yay...
DISAPPOINTED GROANING

204
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,240
Er,  that's OK. It's good,
that's good!

205
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,280
Er... OK, so, er... I need some time
to meet my daughter, so...

206
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,680
Everyone,  out!

207
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,560
The King needs some private time
with his new daughter.

208
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,680
This is a very, very personal
moment.

209
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,600
That is a "personal moment?!"

210
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,520
I've just had a baby in public!

211
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,120
Unbelievable.

212
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,480
My first wife, Catherine of Aragon,
gave me a daughter, Princess Mary,

213
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,120
which was great and everything,

214
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,280
but I wanted a son and heir to my
throne - a prince!

215
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,840
Erm, I did actually then have a son
but, erm...

216
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,800
..not with the Queen, so he couldn't
be an official prince.

217
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:44,080
Awkward! Er... But now my second
wife Anne is pregnant

218
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,360
and I'm certain it's going to be
prince time, baby!

219
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,440
Although I wouldn't lose my head if
it's a girl.

220
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,000
Someone might, though...

221
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:57,160
Anne Boleyn, my new wife, is pregnant
and everybody's thrilled!

222
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,200
You lie about my mum to get
a divorce,

223
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,040
you ban me from visiting her,

224
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,240
and you say I'm not a princess any
more,

225
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,880
and you expect me to be happy about
your wife being pregnant?

226
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,680
Too right, Mary! Can I get a
"whoop-whoop"?

227
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,600
Yeah, she's pretty upset.

228
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,360
I should probably go see if she's
OK...

229
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,120
..or, I can organise a special
joust for the birth of my son.

230
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240
It's bound to be a boy this time.

231
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,600
Right?  Wrong!

232
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,360
King Henry is delighted to announce
the birth of the Prince...ess.

233
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,600
The  whole point of divorcing
the last one

234
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,000
was so that I could get a son,

235
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,480
and now look what's happened!

236
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,120
A beautiful, healthy baby girl.

237
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,440
Oh, not now! Guys, read the room.

238
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,120
Can I just double check that...

239
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,200
She's definitely a girl!  ..OK, fine.

240
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,040
BABY SHRIEKING

241
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,560
Urgh!

242
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,480
Father.  Hello.
Father's fake wife...

243
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,720
Queen Anne, actually.

244
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,440
For now. Let's see what happens next
time you don't have a son.

245
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,280
Speaking of the King's sons. Henry
Fitzroy in the house!

246
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,560
You don't count.

247
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,840
Ugh! JUST cos the King wasn't
married to my mum. Typical.

248
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,000
Sorry, guys.

249
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,600
I can't believe you gave him better
rooms than me at Christmas.

250
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,000
It's going to be one of those days.
Right. Can we try and smile, yeah?

251
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,800
Wonderful news, Mary. We want you
to live with Princess Elizabeth.

252
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,280
ELIZABETH CRIES
It will be convenient

253
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,400
because you will be working for
her... As a servant.

254
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,120
That's no position for a princess.

255
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,240
But you're not a princess
any more, are you?

256
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,000
Your daddy took your title away,
didn't you, darling?

257
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,240
Hmm? I certainly feel a bit
peckish, actually.

258
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,680
No. Stay where you are.

259
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:46,320
Dad! You  can't let that woman
talk...  Er,  the QUEEN!

260
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,880
..my mother, Catherine of Aragon, is
the Queen.

261
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,480
Not any more, she isn't.

262
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,720
SHE GRUNTS

263
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,120
I'm just going to go grab a couple of
pork chops...

264
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,520
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!  Uh.

265
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,280
I eat when I'm nervous.

266
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,240
And when I'm not nervous.

267
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,640
I'm a hungry boy!

268
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,040
They've taken away my household.

269
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,000
Anne Boleyn has destroyed my
life.

270
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,080
I'm not calling her "Queen"

271
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,680
and I'm not calling her daughter
"Princess"

272
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,640
and I'm not agreeing with her about
anything, ever!

273
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,760
Hey, guys. Just came to say
hello to the baby.

274
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,280
What's HE doing here?

275
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,160
Weird. Suddenly all I can think
about is pork chops.

276
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,400
A chop off the old block.

277
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,080
Oh, I hate him.

278
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,600
Oh, jinx! Ha-ha!

279
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,760
No, you can't keep calling yourself
"princess."

280
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,240
This is my final word.

281
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,560
Please, Daddy!

282
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,280
Oh, go on, then. You can carry on.

283
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,600
What?!  What  can I say. I'm a big
softie.

284
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,960
I'm a princess.

285
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,400
Have we had lunch already?

286
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,440
Better have another one, just to be
on the safe side. Yeah?

287
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,720
Lunch. Let's wrap it up.

288
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,720
Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales,

289
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,360
and when my old man,
King George III, dies,

290
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,560
I'm going to be made King George IV.

291
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,480
Let's hope that's not too far away.

292
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,840
I'm King George III, his father,

293
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,480
and I'm still alive.

294
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,560
What's the best
thing about being a prince?

295
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,520
Well, all that pampering. Spoilt
rotten. I blame your mother.

296
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,120
She thought he was so perfect that
she put him on display to the public

297
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,560
when he was just a week old.

298
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:19,560
And people came from all over
just to see His Royal Cuteness.

299
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,360
I mean, you just looked like
any other baby.

300
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,920
Yeah, well, Mummy didn't think so.

301
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,560
She had a life-size
waxwork model made of me,

302
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,120
kept it in this little
glass display jar.

303
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,120
Actually kind of creepy now
that I think about it but, er...

304
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,520
Dad?

305
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,680
Am I going to be King George IV?

306
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,720
HE SNORES
No!

307
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,600
Kingly sleep. What's wrong with you?

308
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,200
Many princes and princesses
lived a life of luxury.

309
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,680
But others had much more
difficult lives.

310
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,880
Some suffered like you
wouldn't believe.

311
00:14:55,880 --> 00:15:00,000
One 18th-century African prince
was taken from his home,

312
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,840
sold into slavery
and forced to travel to America,

313
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:08,400
where he did back-breaking work on a
cotton plantation in Mississippi.

314
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,520
His life did eventually
improve a little,

315
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,800
but it took time - a long time.

316
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,280
A long, long, long time.

317
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,360
Ladies and gentlemen,

318
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:22,680
I am Prince Abdul Rahman
Ibrahima Sori.

319
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,120
Thank you all for coming tonight

320
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,360
to hear the tale
of my escape from captivity.

321
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,760
Oh, forget it!

322
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,560
I can't believe me eye.

323
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,360
Could it really be?

324
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,920
Prince Abdul!

325
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,000
Oh, he tell you
he was a prince, too?

326
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,120
Yeah, ignore him. He's just a slave.

327
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:44,000
Prince Abdul, it's me -
Dr John Coates Cox.

328
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,320
Oh!  Your father, King Ibrahima,
saved me life

329
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,920
when I was in West Africa.

330
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,360
Dr Cox! Ha-ha!

331
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,040
Oh, I was taken
from my family's kingdom,

332
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,840
and I have been enslaved
here for 19 years.

333
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,040
I'm so sorry, Abdul.

334
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,200
Hey! In your face,
grumpy villager lady!

335
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,160
I'm a prince!
It's true, he is a prince.

336
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,160
Well, that's nice.

337
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,880
The authorities here won't care.

338
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,440
He's still enslaved.

339
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,760
Over my dead body.
Your Royal Highness,

340
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,040
you will be free within a year.

341
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,920
21 years later,

342
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,800
I was still a slave,

343
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:22,840
and my potential rescuer,
Dr Cox, was dead.

344
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,320
AUDIENCE GASPS
But, while my hopes were fading,

345
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,680
others were still fighting my cause.

346
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,600
Thank you for continuing
Dr Cox's work, Mr Marshall,

347
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,960
but I'm still here.

348
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,120
So, I wrote to your father,
the Sultan of Morocco,

349
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,320
and now he's written to
the President of America.

350
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,320
The Sultan of Morocco
is not my father.

351
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,000
Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure, yeah.

352
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,760
Anyway, the Sultan was so moved
that he wrote directly

353
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:52,480
to President Adams, who has now
approved your journey home.

354
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,800
To Morocco?

355
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,400
Uh-huh.
Which is not my home.

356
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,480
I'll admit, there's some details
that need ironing out

357
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,320
but, Prince Abdul, don't you see?

358
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,680
You can leave this place.
You're free.

359
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,240
STRING MUSIC PLAYS

360
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,240
This is really happening.

361
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,440
Where's my wife?

362
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,640
Darling, get the children.
We are all free!

363
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,520
Ooh...
MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT

364
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,760
You did get the freedom for my wife
and children, right?

365
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,640
Er, this is awkward.

366
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,600
My eight children.

367
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,640
Hmm.
I'm a free man now.

368
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,520
I will do it myself.

369
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,400
And that is why I am here today,
telling my story

370
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,160
and raising money to buy freedom
for the rest of my family.

371
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,920
And I will not rest
until I am done.

372
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,240
Can't your dad,
the Sultan of Morocco, help?

373
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,160
Not my dad!

374
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,160
Please, pay attention.

375
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,480
Huh! This tour is very long.

376
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,480
Prince Abdul did
eventually make it back to Africa,

377
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,160
but he sadly died before
reaching his home again.

378
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,640
Some princes and princesses

379
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,440
choose to live their lives
differently to most royals,

380
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,560
and march to the beat
of their own drum,

381
00:17:56,560 --> 00:18:00,280
like my fellow suffragette
Princess Sophia Duleep Singh.

382
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,760
Have you not heard of her? Wow!

383
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,760
She's a huge celeb
here in Edwardian England.

384
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,760
She uses her fame to raise
awareness for our cause -

385
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,240
votes for women, votes for women!

386
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:14,280
Votes for women!
Votes for women! Votes for women!

387
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,920
D'ah!
Votes for women!

388
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,120
Ah.  Votes for women!
Votes for women!

389
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,080
Hi, cuz, don't see you at
Hampton Court much.

390
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,920
I thought Buckingham Palace was
your vibe.

391
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,160
Er, I'm not your cuz,
Princess Sophia.

392
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,760
I am your king.
Whatever.

393
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,160
Make it quick. I've got rights to
fight for and bikes to fix.

394
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,160
OK, look, I know you're not a
member of the British royal family,

395
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,640
but you are a princess,
and we royals are expected

396
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,040
to behave in certain ways.

397
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,640
Give us a hand oiling this chain.

398
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,640
Certainly not!
The daughter of a maharaja

399
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,720
should ride in a coach,
not on a...a bike.

400
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,760
Yeah, but I'm the newspaper's
face of female cycling.

401
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,440
And how can you campaign for
equality riding in a royal carriage?

402
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,760
Look, Princess Sophia,

403
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,480
your behaviour is
embarrassing the family.

404
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,400
Any more and I shall
have to ask you

405
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,920
to stop living in
Hampton Court Palace.

406
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,280
You can't. Your grandmother,
Queen Victoria, was my godmother,

407
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,080
and she gave me these rooms to live
in before she died.

408
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,240
They're mine.

409
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,480
Cycling, selling suffragette
newspapers,

410
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,440
protesting with a
troublemaking rabble.

411
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,160
I'm just trying to do my bit.

412
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,920
Oh! You could do your bit
by paying some taxes.

413
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:23,320
I won't pay tax until women have
fair representation in Government.

414
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,360
Votes for women! Votes for women!

415
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,800
Right.  Votes for women!

416
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,080
Fine! Do what you want,
forget you're a royal.

417
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,560
Please, try and make
sure to keep your room tidy.

418
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,120
Tidy my room?

419
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,800
No way!
We have maids for that.

420
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,760
I am a princess, after all.

421
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,120
Votes for women!  Votes
for women! Votes for women!

422
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,480
Alfhild, your mother and I can't
always be with you...  Oh.

423
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,640
..making sure
you don't meet any boys.

424
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,680
Uh...  That's why we're putting
a couple of deadly snakes

425
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,320
in your room...
Ah!

426
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,600
..to keep them away.

427
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,520
SHE YELPS
Sleep well.  What?

428
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:12,280
But don't touch them.
Oh, snakes, get off!

429
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,840
I'll never get a boyfriend now.

430
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:15,880
I'm...

431
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,200
You're  going to  get killed

432
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,280
Or you'll end up dead

433
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,360
Go away!

434
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,400
And those are some serious stakes

435
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,200
Like a princess from an old-school
fairy tale,

436
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,880
Alfhild wants to find her prince.

437
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,440
Prince Alf, you got past the snakes
and rescued me.

438
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,920
Let's get married.
It'll be...

439
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,560
and silver frocks

440
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,000
What? You are getting married?

441
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,360
All you know about him is that
he can avoid snakes.

442
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,160
Ah!  Fine, you win.

443
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,400
What?  I won't marry him.
What?!  Yes!

444
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,920
I'll dress up as a man
and become a pirate!

445
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,240
Happy now?
Oh!  Er...

446
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,880
Wait, what just happened?

447
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,880
Alfhild, the true story
of the princess

448
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,200
whose parents filled her bedroom
with snakes

449
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,680
and who ran off to become a pirate.

450
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,680
That's for me

451
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,320
Yeah!

452
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,880
Alfhild, a princess
tale like you've never seen before.

453
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,920
Erm, I'm still a bit confused
by the whole pirate thing.

454
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,040
Oh, and does anyone have any
anti-venom for my bottom?

455
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,440
Oh!

456
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,560
so that you can

457
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,360
in a private place

458
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,720
with a cape to hide your face

459
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,400
And then you're done

460
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,280
if you did a two or one

461
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,400
Please welcome today's historical
figure who really needs the loo -

462
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,760
Bonnie Prince Charlie!

463
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

464
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,320
Greetings, friend.
Ah!

465
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,120
Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie,
the 18th-century prince

466
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,560
who laid clam to the thrones
of England, Scotland

467
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,960
and Ireland?

468
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,000
Yeah!  Mm.  Who are you?
Sorry, I just really need the loo.

469
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,120
HE FARTS

470
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,520
I...am Loo Man!

471
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,920
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

472
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,640
You have travelled through time
from the 18th century

473
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,840
to use my first-rate
toilet facility!

474
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,400
Oh!

475
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,160
It's...Plop Quiz!

476
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,320
RECORDED FART

477
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,160
What?  Answer questions one and two

478
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,600
and I'll let you do a...
Poo!

479
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,320
I really, really need the toilet,
so can we...?

480
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,720
Say no more.
Question number one.

481
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,600
What is your proudest moment?

482
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,760
Well, my grandfather, James II...
FART

483
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:06,200
..was robbed of his English throne
during the Glorious Revolution,

484
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,040
just for being a bit Catholic.
FART

485
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,760
Er, so my proudest moment would be

486
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,840
when I and my Jacobite troops

487
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,920
crushed the British in battle...
FART

488
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,160
bringing me closer to
taking my throne back

489
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,160
from the usurper George II.
FART

490
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,880
Throne, as in the toilet?

491
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,800
No, the throne as in the throne!

492
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,360
I am the rightful King of Britain
and I really need a poo!

493
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,320
FART
All right.

494
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,320
Question number two.
Mm!

495
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,640
Number two -
it gets me every time.

496
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:34,760
Come on, come on, come on, come on!

497
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:35,880
FART
Ooh!

498
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,360
What was your most
embarrassing moment?

499
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,920
Er, our rebellion ran out of luck
around the time of

500
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,360
the Battle of Culloden...
FART

501
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,560
and the English
captured 3,500 of my men

502
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,120
and executed 120.

503
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,680
And?
FART

504
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,080
I had to escape in a boat
while disguised as an Irish maid.

505
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,840
Now, can I please go to the toilet?
I'm nearly touching tartan!

506
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,520
You may pass...

507
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,960
liquids and/or solids.

508
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,520
That honks, man!

509
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,800
Come on.

510
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,400
Join me next time, when I'll be
stopping another historical celeb

511
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,160
from doing a poo,
to ask the questions...

512
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,240
FART
..just for...

513
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,720
Want to say it with me,
Bonnie Prince Charlie?

514
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,800
Just for you.

515
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:20,720
Hi, I'm Prince Edward,

516
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,720
eldest son of Edward III.

517
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,880
Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales,
Duke of Cornwall,

518
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,800
and absolute lad!

519
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,760
People also called me
the Black Prince

520
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:34,080
on account of my sleek black armour,
and because I'm hard as nails.

521
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,040
What's the best thing about being
a prince?

522
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,520
Easy.

523
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,840
The weapons.

524
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,520
Like this bad boy.

525
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,240
Mwah, mwah, mwah!

526
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,200
This beauty's retired now,

527
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,400
but I've given it a place of honour
in the Royal Hall.

528
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,040
Every day, it gets fed
a ration of its own food.

529
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,000
Got to keep your
strength up, haven't we?

530
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,240
Huh? What's that?

531
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,600
He likes chops!

532
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,560
Such a great sense of humour.

533
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,520
So that was some of history's most
pitiful princes and princesses.

534
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:08,160
And many of them never even
got to be King or Queen,

535
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,880
especially the girls.

536
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,040
Until 2013, it was the oldest boy
who took the throne,

537
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,600
even if he had older sisters.
Imagine!

538
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,640
The most important thing
you've got to do

539
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:23,240
if you want to be in charge
is to stay alive,

540
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,640
and that wasn't
so easy in the old days.

541
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,240
Just ask the Black Prince Edward,
Prince Arthur Tudor,

542
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,520
and Frederick, Prince of Wales.

543
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,280
HE RETCHES

544
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:06,480
To my brother

545
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,200
That stylish warrior

546
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,920
Fred was below par

547
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:50,800
We can't rule on

548
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,480
So let's hear it for the roll call

549
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,720
you never had

550
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,480
Drew his last breath

551
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,680
But pooed himself to death

552
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,760
FART
Ah, ah, ah

553
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,120
Alphonso?

554
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:26,680
Yeah, Alphonso.

555
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:27,760
Dad was Edward I.

556
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,360
I was  going to  be King of England
but I died in 1284.

557
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,080
HE TUTS
Come on.

558
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,400
But we were gone

559
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,200
a King Alphonso

560
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,200
to be anointing

561
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,920
Dead disappointing

562
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,520
The sad procession

563
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,600
We've no succession

564
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,040
That much is clear

565
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:03,000
Er, could we all stop going on about
how I pooed myself to death?

566
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,760
There's nothing wrong with pooing
yourself to death.

567
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:06,160
People did it all the time.

568
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,400
Shut up, Alphonso.

569
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,800
DRUM BOOMS